I got a CRT!! I had pretty much ruled out ever finding a decent CRT, but I found an eBay listing for a ViewSonic 17" A70 that I'm sure had an incorrect shipping weight entered because the shipping cost from US to CAN was only $50 when it is usually about $250 for CRTs. So, I took a gamble and bought it - and the seller let it go through and shipped it.
And it arrived yesterday! It was packed in an almost malicious amount of styrofoam peanuts and bubble wrap - but that's what's needed to USPS a monitor without the original packaging. Certainly $50 worth!
So the monitor itself is obviously used - has some household-looking paint on the cord. But I don't care - it works and isn't too dim. It also uhhh, kind of dominates my desk:
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Did we all used to pull our desks a foot away from the wall for our CRTs to hang off? I feel like that was a thing.